Federal Marshalls seized Elian Gonzalez from his relative's home but not to be reunited with his father, Special Agent Tullock disclosed outside Rotterdam Police Department. Agent Tullock had this to say: "Elian Gonzalez is now our Prime Suspect in the murder case. After compiling...uh...piles of evidence we had no choice but to seize the little freeloading brat from his Miami home. Happy Easter! Fuck off."

The Miller family has been going through a terrible ordeal since the strange death of Paul Earl Miller. It has been nothing but heartache after hardship for the family in the weeks that followed. At the funeral ceremony Paul's cousin, John A. Miller, was urinating on Paul's ashes consummating his cousin's final wish when he was struck by a UPS truck on the particular stretch of road and had to remain hospitalized for days. Weeks later, at one of the many "vigils" after Paul's death, money ran out to by another keg and the party eventually dissolved with not much occurring.

"I didn't even get any pussy!" patriarch of the Miller Family Earl Miller stated. "What kind of a world is it where a guy can't even get a bimbo drunk enough to ream her out like a kid with his hand in the cookie jar? Hell, I didn't even get to pull back her meat curtains!" Fortunately, the vigils have continued. The news of Elian's capture brought a weight off of the family's chest since first hearing the terrible news.

"Paul who?" Retired Sergeant John E. Miller was the first to receive the news. "Yeah its good they got that kid. I've seen him on the news and stuff. I've been a cop for close to 30 years and I know a scumbag when I see one. Did you see the way he looked at that girl...just undressing her with his eyes. Creepy. I heard when they seized him they found crackrock up his ass trying to hide it from the authorities. Christ. I could give a flying fuck through a rolling donut as to what they do to him."

INS broke the case after a raid on the Iaffaldano residence in Rotterdam. Noted gambler and computer hacker Susan Iaffaldano had been suspected of harbouring illegal aliens for some time. Several Cuban refugees found in the basement said they once worked for Elian running numbers and had since been keeping correspondence with him. Elian's bragging of Paul Miller's murder in several letters laid to the Federal seige. When asked if they were going to lament being sent back to Cuba the refugees seemed more than happy to go back to their home country.

"Are you kidding? If I have to perform one more act of cunnilingus on Susan I would kill myself. I'd rather lick the dingle-berries out of Louie Anderson's ass than to go down on that woman! Being bent over the sawhorse by her nephew Matt was also horrible...he would make his little brother scream 'cum in my mouth!' and then would proceed in sticking LSD up my anus...but only one." The refugees went on to say they would be kissing Castro's feet upon arrival.

Elian Gonzalez is being held at Andrew's Air Force Base and is speculated to be missing the party at 55 Erie Street in Oswego, New York this Saturday. More on this situation as it develops...

-ASSociated Press