BROOKLYN, NEW YORK

On February 5th, thousands were left speechful when the long expected Hurricane Johnny failed to hit the Eastern Seaboard it has been reported.
 
In a speech given that following monday morning Mayor Bloomberg reported that thousands of New Yorkers were left bloated and hungover due to various festivities and alcoholic beverages that battered the city the night before.
 
"It is unknown at this time how many people enjoyed themselves last night," Mayor Bloomberg stated, shielding his eyes from the blinding rays of the sun.
 
"We have gathered a fact-finding task force to go around to various workplaces this morning to find out further details. I just want to set the record straight right now that reports of that one guy getting head in that one chick's bathroom are as yet, unconfirmed. We will release further details as they come in."
 
When asked about Hurricane Johnny Mayor Bloomberg had this to say:
 
"Hmm? What now? Where's that coffee?"
 
While the lack of disaster had clearly not shaken up Mayor Bloomberg thousands more were left visibly unshaken by the hurricane's ravaging effects.  Hurricane Johnny, had it struck, would have amazed several with its vastly unpredictable and unreliable nature. It is clear that several thousand MORE would have been completely unfazed had it not the quick thinking and vast intelligence of Channel 41's Senior Meteorologist Frank Blankenbaker.
 
"Well, meteorology isn't what we in the science field refer to as an 'exact science' though I can't stress enough that it indeed IS a science nonetheless. Seriously. You never know when a meteor is going to hit or where. Its totally up to the meteor and the various magnetic field thingees that I am told circle the earth with a sort of unrestrained gaiety."
 
Mr. Blankenbaker paused and raised his eyebrows knowingly as he took a sip of his coffee.
 
"Now when it comes to weatherchanics I can tell you exactly that Hurricane Johnny was indeed a predictably unpredictably predictable force of nature."
 
According to the Senior Meteorologist Hurricane Johnny falls under the "Miller Class" of storms which are marveled at for their almost wishwashy nature. Their paths are almost entirely unchartable and they can change their course as much as 180 degrees in as little as 12 hours. While there are apparently various different criteria for the storm to actually hit come in to play Mr. Blankenbaker says any reason is moot since they never usually fail to not show up.
 
"The storms are also known for their unrelenting threats of one day eventually accumulating.  According to our newly received Wonder Doppler 80 Hundred there has been a Miller Storm threatening to hit New York City just about every weekend for almost the past year. Obviously though, as you can plainly see, it has yet to happen."
 
One person left totally unsurprised by the lack of a hurricane is well known prognosticator and graduate of the John Edwards School of Guessology, Stephen King (no not that one.). Mr. King, Senior Member of the not-so-radical partially-extremist group The Disco Squad, has an almost unearthly talent for knowing how things will turn out.
 
"Ehh, I knew it wasn't going to happen. I have this gift you see. I can accurately predict when things do or don't happen. Strangely though, I tend to be more accurate with things that DON'T occur than when they do. I mean, like last night, I predicted I was going to make waffles in my sleep. But I woke up hungry on the kitchen counter the next morning so obviously that didn't happen."
 
"Hey, do you smell syrup?" He then asked, sniffing the air.
 
Interestingly Mr. King has accurately predicted the course of Miller Storms in the past. The much heralded Hurricane Paul was feared to strike Lake Tahoe this past summer and, as Mr. King predicted, that too failed to gather. According to Steve he also has some other predictions for the future as well. He predicts a man named "Mark" will be involved in a "sexually ambiguous incident" that will cause many of his friends to "question his sexuality". He also went on to predict that a man named "Tom" would most definitely "complain" about "something stupid".
 
Mr. King then leaned forward in his chair and finished by saying:
 
"A lot."
 
Elsewhere in Brooklyn not everyone was left TOTALLY unaffected by the unravaging affects of the wayward storm. Upon further interviewing Chief Meteorologist Mr. Blankenbaker he was happy to inform us of an extremely rare event that seems to occur every once in awhile as a direct result of a Miller Storm failing to hit. These are apparently called "Tony Effects".
 
According to Mr. Blankenbaker these occasians are "few and far between" and are usually followed by some form of laughter. Such an event was recorded in the in the days following the hurricane in regards to a man named Tony Iaffaldano by many in the area and surrounding states. When called by this reporter Mr. Iaffaldano was unavailable for comment due to his prior engagement in something called "viddyagames" and the consumption of mass amounts of tofu for which he is newly fond. We were however able to reach Mr. Iaffaldano's girlfriend Shannon who claims such "Tony Effects" actually occur more often then people and experts seem to think.
 
"Huh? Are you kidding? Tony never fails to make me laugh. Trust me, he is a very hilarious guy and really is quite witty when it comes to his jokes. Though, come to think of it, while I DO seem to laugh at him a lot it is usually just during three real periods of time: The seconds before sex, during sex, and the period after sex. Though, I will admit...the laughter after sex quickly gives way to a sigh of sadness and longing."
 
After Hurricane Johnny failed to hit Superbowl weekend it was reported that Hurricane Johnny would potentially, possibly rear its overly large red head the following weekend. It should be noted however that this second threat of impending disaster had only a + or - 40% chance of hitting which is considerably less or more than the + or - 100% chance that was given out by the National Weather Service for Superbowl Sunday.
 
According to further studies there is another rumored warning of a Hurricane Johnny potentially hitting sometime during the month of March. Of course, due to the vast unpredictable and unreliable information as usually occurs with such hurricanes this warning should be taken with an enormous, texas-sized, elephant testicle-like grain of salt.
 

-Keoki McDowell; ASSociated Press