BROOKLYN, NEW YORK

In what is probably going to be considered a Sweeps Week attempt at controversy the Disco Squad, pioneers and innovators in the fields of coolness and breast-handling, have recently come under the attack of what no doubt is a master plan. Due to a rash of cloning discoveries their enemies have instituted this in their plot to take over the sleepy hamlet of Rotterdam. But the question this reporter has to ask is, is ANYONE SAFE? Investigator and recluse Christopher "Chief" Najewicz has this to say about the whole incident:

"What!? Who are you? Are you the REAL Keoki McDowell? HUNH?? Who sent you? I know who it was! You bastard! I will not suck your cock!"

After reassuring Mr. Najewicz and telling him I was not out to get him or force him to suck my penis he was able to open up and tell me about the recent events that have come to light. Almost as if in answer to the lack of Paul sightings and the disappearance of James A. Constantino this story has come barreling out at full force like a greased hamster out of a man-whore's ass.

Mr. Najewicz revealed that he recently intercepted an e-mail to a clone by one's of the Squad's own "First Women of Disco", Vicki Smalle. The clone was reportedly a doppelganger of Stephen King, no not the author, who goes by the Squad name "Dolemite". I asked an expert on clones and wild animals, Steve Irwin: The Crocodile Hunter, about the species:

"The 'clone' is a savage bastard. It feeds off of grubs and sometimes much larger animals like lemmings and kiwi. Sometimes however, they can feast upon MUCH LARGER animals: even human counterparts. So if you encounter them in the wild be VERY careful and do NOT approach them. They are liable to take your hand CLEAN off!"

When asked to comment on Mr. Irwin's analysis Mr. Najewicz insisted that the clone was a much more savage individual than the Crocodile hunter was letting on.

"A clone killed my dad," Mr. Najewicz stated grimly.

I asked Mr. Najewicz to divulge more information and he reluctantly agreed after some gentle prodding... and I mean that in the most heterosexual way possible. He said that the clone in question's name was "Stee" or "Steen Roert Kig". He also went on to say this clone was a new tool in a plot to destroy the Disco Squad and gain control of their hometown. The clone, Stee, was merely the first part of a major clone infestation within the funky groups ranks. It's mission was to have an affair with Ms. Smalle, unbeknownst to her, and impregnate her with what would have become the first in a line of genetic superhumans.

Thankfully however, the e-mail was intercepted in time and the clone was chased out of Steve's apartment by a shirtless, straw hat wearing Mark Pakuchi. Mr. King was unavailable for comment as he was consoling the devastating Ms. Smalle by cooking some Miller Family Mail Order Sausage on his Homer Simpson grill. Disaster was narrowly averted but the vile clone is still stalking the streets of Brooklyn waiting for another chance to strike.

"Stee is an underling of the ultimate clone, the clone that is running the whole show, and I don't have to mention who that is. Uh...but I will anyway since nobody knows who I am talking about. His name is PURT KROGER! The SUPER CLONE! How come I feel like this is ripping off some soon to be famous movie script?" Mr. Najewicz stated.

Purt Kroger is apparently a clone of a man by the name of Curt Propper whom the Disco Squad went to high school with. It is unknown if the actual Curt Propper has anything to do with it or if there is a clone of Chad Propper by the name of "Phad Croger" lurking around area bowling alleys. If he is encountered one should turn and run away immediately Mr. Najewicz speculates. He also fears that this clone is only the beginning. In fact, he KNOWS it is just the beginning. In addition to Stee's uttering of the acronym "SLICE"(Screw Lives by Infiltrating Clone Evil) he made known the following:

"I recieved a phone call the other day," Mr. Najewicz said shaking, "It was from someone claiming to be 'Chistoher Najeicz'. What he said was absolutely terrifying. He said that he was going to take over my position at 'Barnes and Noble' and destroy everyone that I cared about!"

Mr. Najewicz took a drag off a cigarette.

"I wished him luck."

In closing Mr. Najewicz warned me of anyone that looked like him or any other member of the Squad with goatees and that they were probably clones. He then remarked unless they were Anthony or anyone else in the Squad who actually has one themselves. After jumping out of my car Mr. Najewicz gave me a list of names to be wary of which I will transcribe here:

Look out for people that go by the following names:

Stee Roert Kig

Erc Reienger

Jol Te

Mattew Rinuete

Toy Faldano

Mak Pahuki

Chistoher "Chef" Najeicz

Jon Miler

Tm Mohos

Bran Saawa

and most importantly...

Pal Miler

As you might expect there is speculation that maybe the Paul that has been seen in various places around the globe was actually a clone, and that perhaps the real Paul Miller is in fact dead. Could it be the answer to the question: "Is Paul Dead?" right around the corner? Patrick Garfield's press secretary has this to say:

"Mr. Garfield is using all the sources that are in his possession to find any evidence in this matter. As you can imagine our office has been pretty hectic around here in light of this recent discovery. We have even gone as far as too launch another Paul Miller satellite into orbit: P.M. Dawn 2. Please call our office if you have any details into Paul Miller's whereabouts or information leading to the incarceration of his clone at 1-800-PAUL DEAD? Thank you."

This reporter admits he is quite curious what further events may develop and hopes that someone named "Koki McDoell" doesn't try to take over his position.

Be afraid, be very afraid.

-Keoki McDowell; ASSociated Press